Wednesday, November 30, 2011

What's wrong with Breaking Dawn? An exercise in irony

Don't tell me, you saw the latest Twilight movie on opening weekend too?!

Sure it was bad and based on an even worse book but I'm not going to apologize for going.  I consider the effort a fact-finding mission.  A fact-finding mission with eye-rolling and serious-moments-turned-comical.  I just had to see for myself how they did the baby delivery scene.  I listened to the audio book of Breaking Dawn right after my daughter was born in 2009.  Imagine a new mom rocking her newborn daughter to sleep in the dark while her white iPod earbuds spew this s**t forth.  And even after knowing what real birth was like, I was horrified by what happened in Breaking Dawn.  It's just fiction, right?  It's just human-vampire [not real] babies being born--but still.  STILL.  I thought this book was simply unfilmable because of the home-birth vampire cesarean scene.  But here we are.  

Knowing this gruesome depiction of childbirth was in the movie did not stop hoards of teen girls from being there.   Because it's balanced out by, you know, dudes with no shirts on and only the most frustratingly antiseptic love scene that only the entire series has been building up to.  But I think the number of giddy teenagers present saturated the air with hormones and I kid you not, at one point when the teens in our row were laughing/shrieking about something during the movie, an older (post-menopausal) woman turned around and told them to get ahold of themselves.  That's why you go to a Twilight movie on opening weekend: for the drama.

I attended the spectacle with my trusty Twilight research colleague, Amy, who makes anything 10x more hilarious.  Even in a pitch black theater, I can feel when she turns to me and gives an open-mouth WTF look. Which she did often.

Basically the overriding message of Twilight is that sex should be feared, getting married is a drag, the honeymoon is horrifying and pregnancy/delivery is a downright apocolyptic bloody nightmare.  But this view doesn't just come out of thin air.  I'm no psychologist but "someone" (Stephenie Meyer, I am looking at you) might want to get their issues addressed.  Just saying.

Here are a few other morsels of ridiculousness that I've been reveling in since last Saturday:

Throughout the series and in this movie, Bella looks like she's about to vomit AND hasn't taken a s**t in several days.  That's talented acting or the first trimester of a real pregnancy.

There is a vampire with braces (From Alaska no less)  in the wedding scene.  Seriously.  Who does her ortho and how do they not get bitten?

Doesn't every small town doctor have the latest medical equipment and x-ray/ultrasound machines just laying around the homestead?  Carlisle does. (And Tom Cruise) And don't forget that stash of O Negative blood he keeps in a house full of vampires.

Imprinting, the werewolf equivalent of love at first sight, will be further explored in the next movie  since Jacob "imprinted" on Bella's infant daughter.  According to the book, the girl will not physically age past 7.  So basically you have a 19 year old guy and a 7 year old girl who are eventually going to be sexually attracted to each other.  Yeah, that's normal--nothing freaky or weird about that, right?  Stephenie, again I think you need to deal with some of your issues.

So will I be going to Breaking Dawn 2 (the last movie of this cringe worthy series) next year on opening weekend?  Certainly.  If nothing else, to be a witness to the crazy and add more fuel to the fire.  Burn, baby, burn.

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