Writing about Race and Racism, ParentMap Feature Story

At the beginning of 2015, I wanted to write an impactful story about race/racism and how it affects kids. But I was a little naive as I started down the path. People spend their entire careers--and lives--trying to chip away at the behemoth scourge of racism--an institutionalized, internalized, pervasive and destructive force. But the questions I asked the subject-matter experts betrayed my weak understanding of how big the problem really was or how deeply it affected people. So it's no wonder that a representative of a well-known anti-racist education program told me to go do more research before they'd take my questions.  I'll admit, that rebuff shook my confidence. Being multiracial and having experienced a little bit of "othering" didn't evidently count for much. But the stinging point the representative made was that if I was serious, dabbling in the topic wasn't okay. It required some time investment and some personal introspection to do it justice.

By the end of 2015, what started as a profile of the plucky non-profit Families of Color Seattle (FOCS) turned into a broader, more personal piece (thanks to my editor's guidance) with anecdotes, national context and a message about how racism isn't just a person of color's problem. Also FOCS's successful community dialogue series reinforced how people, especially parents, are eager to talk about this complex problem. And all of this couldn't come at a better time with so many racially explosive events dominating the news of late. Therefore I'm proud to present my feature story in this month's ParentMap Magazine.

A huge revelation I had when putting this story together was reading Bonnie Tsui's fabulous New York Times Magazine essay about choosing one's identity which made so much sense to me in a world where we also understand gender isn't a concrete assignment either. I especially love her realization that identity is "intensely individual" and as parents, we have no business telling our kids what their racial identities are. But it comes from our own experiences that we fear they will miss if they don't see themselves as the same racial makeup as us.

"As a young adult, I learned how I stood apart and to have pride in it. In the experience of being an “other,” there’s a valuable lesson in consciousness: You learn to listen harder, because you’ve heard what others have to say about you before you even have a chance to speak." --Bonnie Tsui

To not have this contemplation is to spare my children the agony of feeling like an outsider yet it likewise denies them confidence of knowing who they truly are after they've tested their mettle and stood up to hard questions. We shall see where the road takes them but most likely I will have to be a bit more proactive about presenting what I think it means to be multiracial and then stepping back and seeing if they embrace that too.

Not pregnant, it's Resting Belly Paunch #rbp

Is 'resting belly paunch' a thing yet? It should be. You know that condition where you're standing and your back gets tired so you stick your tummy out? It's a tenant of bad posture but like 'resting bitch face' sometimes you just can't help it. Unfortunately, when I do it, I inevitably get asked if I'm pregnant.

Now, haven't we established that you never <ever> ask a woman if she's pregnant unless you are so sure that it's undeniable and even then, you check yourself before you wreck yourself? In the past, I've heard enough horror stories to the point that even if I'm reasonably sure (yet insatiably curious), I will say to the possibly pregnant woman, "How are you feeling?" For a pregnant woman, she will pick up on this and give you a status report. For a non-pregnant woman, this will be a thoughtful question of concern about her health or sleep patterns or thoughts on the state of the world. You get a little air cover just in-case you've made a bad judgement call.

But despite the potential mine field of guessing wrong, I have been asked if I am expecting with no hedging whatsoever, twice in the last 12 months and it shocks me. First because it's such a bold commitment on the asker's part but second, and more important, because I'm clearly doing something to invite this sort of questioning because the answer is unequivocally, no--just no. That's where the 'resting belly paunch' or #rbp comes in. Maybe my choice of wardrobe (less tailored clothes and more loose fitting sweaters) is adding to the confusion too--but it's winter and it's cold.

Honestly though, I'm proud of my #rbp. I have recently been going through archived photos for my mom's wedding slideshow and come across pictures from both my pregnancies where I was so obviously pregnant and huge. It's amazing that my frame even looks reasonably normal after all that now. The human body is amazing that way. I actually thought I was trimming up too with the Zumba, Barre, Yoga and stuff I do. Perplexing. But still, let this be yet another cautionary tale, the #rbp is real. Be warned, curious cats, and think a minute before you ask your questions.

 

My two new articles on ParentMap.com

Just out on ParentMap.com this month are two very different articles I've written over recent weeks.

The first piece is about Centering, the method of group-based prenatal care that improves confidence during pregnancy and labor/postpartum outcomes. (Think of it as the PEPS group support model for *before* the baby is born.) Swedish Midwives and other midwifery groups have been offering it for years but now Swedish's Cherry Hill Family Medicine Residency Clinic is onboard as well. This signals a confidence in the methodology and a great prenatal care option for parents-to-be. Special thanks to Dr. Jeremia Bernhardt for the story idea and the Centering Healthcare Institute for their significant input on this story.

Swedish Ballard Midwives during a Centering session

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The second is a Q & A with author/activist Sharon H. Chang. She just released a book called Raising Mixed Race: Multiracial Asian Children in a Post-Racial World, about the challenges facing mixed race Asians and deconstructing the unique experience of prejudice and bias that face mixed race people. This book emphasizes how mixed race Asian people in our society are viewed in relation to how white or not-white they are, effectively measuring their proximity to 'whiteness.' The book asserts that this in turn causes mixed race Asians to bury overt/covert experiences of racism to fit in--to the point that we Hapas may not even know we're doing it.
As a mixed race Asian myself, I have conflicting feelings about this because I also spent a summer in Japan during high school and I will be the first one to say that some Japanese people don't look too kindly upon mixed race Asians either but from the other direction. The book seems to assert this comes only from the white direction but I say it can also comes from the Asian as well.
But there just aren't a lot of books about mixed race experience and it's really surprising given that the population becomes more mixed (with all races) by the second. Definitely a thought-provoking read with a definite mission to cause mixed race Asians (and parents raising mixed race Asians) to closely re-examine their worldview and sense of self within it.

An oldie but goodie...