Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Letter from One Expectant Dad to another

Mantooth sent this today and imparts sage advice...
Dear Ken, Having done the pregnant wife thing two times in two years now, I felt it my due diligence to bless you with the benefit of my wisdom and help you avoid some of the pitfalls I've experienced whilst dealing with a pregnant woman.
1. A woman's body undergoes drastic changes during pregnancy. Weight gain, bloating, swelling, farting...it just gets worse over the course of nine months. During this time, Kali will almost certainly encounter self esteem issues and need to be validated that you find her as attractive now as you did before she was pregnant. You must be very honest with your wife and tell her "No." First, women appreciate honestly. Second, this will set a very attainable goal for her after the baby is born to regain her previous figure.
2. Sometimes, the hormones coursing through a pregnant woman's veins will cause her to act very irrationally. Sudden bouts of anger, sadness, crying, etc. Your only recourse during these times is to act even more irrationally than your wife. I took to wearing a clown nose, urinating in the corner and singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" every time Charlotte had one of her spells. It fixed things up pretty quick.
3. Kali won't be able to do all of the normal things she used to do before getting pregnant. Things like drinking. Some fathers to be mistakenly think they should take one for the team and not do things their wife can't. Actually you should do them more! If Kali is craving a glass of wine, drink a bottle and let her know exactly how much you enjoyed it. Be very descriptive. This is called "visualization" and can help her overcome many of the stresses of gestation.
4. Be sure and remind Kali that women in China give birth in rice patties while working. Do this every time she complains for the next nine months.
5. Kali may try and get you to read books about child birth. If she does, just open the book to a random place, scream "OOOHHH! GROSS!" and then run from the room.
I really hope I've helped.
Love you both, Mantooth

1 comment:

Danny V. said...

I believe that is very similar to the advice I gave Mr. Ken. the other day.