As you know, your father brought you into this family from a former relationship and over the past few years, I have come to love you as my own. So at this point, I feel there are some things we should discuss.
Now, I understand that looking one's best is very important. Why else would you constantly groom yourself and rub up against every corner in the entire house? But when I try to pet you, why do you stay just out of reach or scamper out of the room? And god forbid I try to pick you up. You get all wiggly and impatient. Why can't you just let me love you?
Sometimes you are extremely charming when you thread through my legs while I am making breakfast or playfully cute when you chase my pant cuffs. But mark my words cat, if you continue to cut in front of me when I'm coming down the stairs, I will kick you like a football. Why do you tempt fate like that? I tend to overlook your between-meal snacking because eating flies and spiders augments your protein intake. Besides it's the only contributory task you do around here and I don't want to take that away from you. But I do want you to know it's rude to stare at people. Especially when your dad and I are snuggling on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy or a Net Flix--I can see you across the room watching us.
Lately, you've been acting really weird and will not be consoled. What's with the despondent meowing and mindless pacing? You can't possibly be hungry because you have an electronic feeder that provides you sustenance 4-times a day. You can't be thirsty because you have a high-tech water fountain delivering oxyginated water. You can't be bored because you have numerous toys and a cat door to the vast and interesting outside world. And you can't be lonely because you have all the neighborhood cats to play with, including your Tabby boyfriend, Hunter. (Not that there's anything wrong with it...) We assume this is why you hiss at all our female guests and take to male contractors so quickly.
I only want you to be happy. But you have to make an effort too. Do you think you could just relax a little, watch where you're going and be nicer to the ladies? In return, you can continue your favorite pastime of licking the side of the dishwasher as much as you like.